Spread the neuroses:

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Spread the neuroses:

So, MNG is pretty good at guessing things. I knew when I proposed to her, I would need to have a pretty good plan to surprise her.  We planned a trip to San Francisco, I distracted her with food and the potential for listening to some opera and drove her to Golden Gate Park.  Even though we had talked about marriage, the whole thing obviously caught her off guard:

ME: <knocking on her window to get her to unlock her car door>

MNG: <glares at me because she thinks I am rushing her>

ME: <knock again because the door is still locked>

MNG: <unlocks door> Geez, chill. I’m getting my stuff together. <turns back to her stuff>

ME: <getting down on one knee> [MNG] I have something to ask you.

MNG: <whipping around so fast she could have hurt something> NO WAY!

ME: <proposing>

MNG: NO WAY. NOWAYNOWAYNOWAY!

ME: <still proposing>

MNG: SHUT UP! ARE YOU MESSING WITH ME?

ME: <you guessed it..still proposing>

MNG: OH MY GOSH YOU’RE TOTALLY MESSING WITH ME. YOU’RE SO MEAN!

ME: <taking the box out>

MNG: AGH! SHUT UP! NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY.

ME: <opening the box>

MNG: OH MY GOSH. OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH. NO WAY.

ME: <showing her the ring>

MNG: OH MY GOSH. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. Is that a ring?

ME: <putting ring on her finger>

MNG: AH! NO WAY! NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY!

ME: Will you marry me?

MNG: NO…wait. Hold on. YES! Absolutely yes!

So final count: 12 “No way”s. 6 “Shut Up”s. 2 “Are you messing with me”s and, most importantly, 1 “Yes.”

Spread the neuroses:

Recently, the lottery in California went up to a ridiculous sum of money. As many people tend to do, MNG and I were discussing what we would do if  that much money suddenly fell into our collective laps. After the usual discussion of buying a house, car, taking care of family, and feeding some ophans , MNG came out with the following:

MNG: You know what else I’d do with some of that money?

Me: What?

MNG: I’d buy all this protective equipment and fortify the new house.

Me: Like guns and stuff?

MNG: No, I mean more like steel walls with lead in them covered by super reinforced concrete.

Me: You mean like a bunker?

MNG: YES!!! And I’d have like three panic rooms just in case anything got inside the house.

Me: Man, you’re really preparing for any kind of apocalypse there could possibly be.

MNG: Heck yeah! I dare someone to drop a nuclear bomb on us, I’ll be all safe inside my house.

Spread the neuroses:

This is the time of year when everyone resolves to eat better or exercise more or call their friends more often. Even though I know she has other goals she is working towards this year MNG only has one real “resolution.”:

 

MNG: Can my resolution this year be “Don’t turn 30.”?

Happy New Year to all of our MNG fans out there! We look forward to seeing you all in 2012.

Spread the neuroses:

A number of good friends have recently gotten married so you know what that means…yes,  it’s wedding season for MNG and I. On the way back from one of these events, we were talking and the following conversation ensued:

MNG: You know what happens when I see these brides?

Me: What?

MNG: I see them, think “Wow, she looks beautiful in her dress” and then immediately “I’m going to have to lose weight before my wedding.” Seriously, my brain goes from one to the other in, like, one tenth of a second.

Me: Well, I think you look great  and regardless, you could always just keep healthy between now and your big day.

MNG: Whatever. “Healthy” obviously isn’t good enough.

Me: [jokingly] Maybe you should try cocaine

MNG: DUDE!! That would be AWESOME!!! Imagine how much weight I would lose!

Me: Yeah, and maybe we could check you into a hospital with an imaginary disease like a month before the wedding.

MNG: Oh man, now you’re thinking! There’s nothing like 500 calories a day through an IV to get skinny.

Me: Of course, then you’d have to explain to your mom either 1) why you are suddenly a drug addict or 2) why you’ve been in the hospital for a month.

MNG: Whatever. She’d understand me wanting to fit into a wedding dress.

Spread the neuroses:

We were recently on a trip to Los Angeles and MNG provided the following commentary as we passed the Howard Hughes Center:

MNG: Man, they LOVE that guy down here, don’t they?  He has a street and a shopping mall named after him.

Me: Oh yeah, I suppose so.

MNG: You know that movie about him, with Leonardo DiCaprio in it? That thing was SO long!

Me: Well, duh, it had Leo in it. People just want to see more of him.

MNG: That thing was so long, I’d never watch it if I had cancer.

Me: <giving her the quizzical look>

MNG:  I’d be afraid I was going to die while watching that movie. It’s THAT LONG. Same thing with Titanic.

Me: Why don’t you just admit you hate Leonardo DiCaprio?

MNG: Whatever! If I made movies, they’d be short and to the point. But probably boring as hell.

Somehow I doubt they’d be boring. Especially if they were autobiographical.

Spread the neuroses:

As loyal readers will know, being upside-down is on of those things that causes exceptional anxiety for MNG. However, there is something worse out there.

MNG: You know what’s worse than being upside-down?  Diving!

Me: Wow, swimming AND being upside down…sounds like torture for you.

MNG: Exactly. I only jump in the pool if there is someone to catch me. And definitely not headfirst.

Me: What if there were pasta at the bottom?

MNG: Hmmm…no, not even for pasta.

You know it’s bad when she won’t even do it for pasta. 🙂

Spread the neuroses:

The other night MNG and I were having dinner with friends and suddenly, she let out with the following:

MNG: OOOOHH! Honey, we should go on a trip soon! You know why?

Me: Why?

MNG: So we can get TRAVEL INSURANCE! Man, when I had travel insurance, that was the best insurance EVER. They cover everything.
At least I know that our vacation would be slightly less panic inducing that way. Only slightly though.

Spread the neuroses:

MNG HATES being upside down. I don’t mean in a sort-of-dislikes-it kind of way, I mean like actively avoids any situations that might require her to be upside down for more than a few seconds. Even instances where she is slightly upside down, like the decline bench at our gym, are highly undesirable. A recent car ride brought out this gem on the topic:

MNG: [as she looks out the window] Ya’ know, I could never be a gymnast.

Me: Why, because you’d have to go upside-down?

MNG: Yes! I took a tap, tumbling, and ballet class when I was little though, and I enjoyed it.

Me: Really?

MNG: Well, I take that back. I really enjoyed tap and ballet. Tumbling can kiss my butt. Seriously! They wanted me to be upside-down. Can you believe that?

Me: Well yeah. So what’d you do, run away during tumbling?

MNG: I would just stand there and wonder why they were trying to torture me. Man, I hate being upside-down!

[A few seconds later, while looking out the window]

MNG: [under her breath] Stupid upside-down.

Spread the neuroses:

Awhile back MNG developed what we called “the freaky eye bubble” and what a doctor  diagnosed as a benign cyst (ie “nothing”). As you can imagine, this was cause of near panic for MNG and a certain amount of amusement for me. We had the following conversation on the way to the eye doctor:

MNG: What do you think it could be? OMG, do you think it could be like some eye tumor?

Me: I really don’t think it’s an eye tumor. It’s probably nothing, but let’s let the doctor put our minds at ease.

MNG: Yeah, it’s probably not a tumor. It’s probably nothing…[short contemplative pause]…but what if it’s something bad? What if it’s something that’s going to ruin my vision and they have to take it out and the only way they can take it out is if they take my whole eye out? Am I going to lose my eye? How will I see with just one eye? It’s in my good eye, too. What am I going to do if they take out my eye?

Me: Honey, I really don’t think they’ll have to take out your whole eye.

MNG: well… “take out your eye” sounds silly when YOU say it

Spread the neuroses:

Something that most people don’t know about me is that I have a funny heart. For a long time, doctors thought I had a heart murmur but it turns out I just have a weird valve. Not a big deal but I did mention it to MNG at one point.

One day I was treated to the following:

MNG: “Honey, are you getting a yearly EKG?”

Me: “Huh?”

MNG: “You know, an EKG. For your heart. You should be getting one every year to make sure everything is OK.”

Me: “OK…why?”

MNG: “I Googled your heart condition and that’s what the internet told me you should be doing”

Apparently she’s finding ways to worry about my health too. One part sweet, one part disturbing. 🙂